Helping the Bereaved

It can be hard to know the right things to say to someone who's just lost a loved one. (Read about Coping With Tragedy) But without support, their grief is only made worse. Sometimes we avoid bereaved friends and relatives simply because we don't know what to say or do. But the Family Caregiver Alliance says there are things that can help.

Even if you're not extremely close to someone who's going through a loss, the Alliance says you can offer support through small gestures:

• send a card or flowers
• bring food
• water or mow their lawn
• donate blood
• contribute to a cause which is meaningful to them

Dealing with fears

It's important to be aware of how the loss of a loved one can affect people. For example, the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) says someone who has just lost a wife or husband has some common fears such as:

• safety and security
• being alone
• financial concerns, of being left destitute

They also have concerns about losing their friends, since they are now a single person and their friends are couples. There is also a sudden identity change without the partner; "we" now becomes just "me."

Listening and offering support

When someone has these kinds of fears, one of the most important things is simply to be there and to listen. It's essential to let the other person express their emotions and thoughts without adding your own spin. Sometimes we're tempted to say we know how someone feels. But that may sound like a cliché; we really can't know exactly what they're going through. We may tell them how we felt in a similar circumstance, but the most important thing is to give them time to talk about their own feelings.

It's also important to understand that sometimes a grieving person can be bitter or mad. They may feel angry and abandoned by the loved one who died - and then feel mad at themselves for feeling this way. It's important to let them know that their emotions are normal and that they're not bad for feeling the way they do.

It's also important to recognize the signs that someone is not dealing with their loss, but is instead falling into a serious depression. Depression is normal in someone who has just lost a loved one, but it is important to recognize if the situation slips into clinical depression. According to AARP, if the person no longer accepts comfort or support, ceases to connect their feelings with the death or has an all encompassing sense of doom and remorse they may have slipped into clinical depression. (Read about "Depressive Illnesses") It's important to encourage them to seek professional help if this is happening.

Above all, don't offer support only for the short-term. Be there for the long haul and remember that holidays can be especially difficult for someone who's lost a loved one.

Related Information:

    Mental Health

    Post-Traumatic Stress

    Coping With Tragedy

    Hospice | Palliative Care

    Suicide Prevention